The Journey Begins

 Here are things that I Know. “ Nothing is over until I say it’s over”.  The “it” I speak of encompasses everything in my life.  The game is not over until I say it’s over.  I cling to people places and things often because I know of no other way. I had a math teacher in the 5th grade that sent me to the office for an offense that I didn’t commit. I hated that guy!  It happened in the 5th grade for god’s sake get over it!  It isn’t over until I say it’s over. 

I Know I am an alcoholic.  I’ve known it all my life.  My Dad, Uncles, Brothers, All alcoholics. We wore it as a badge.  Proud of the fact that we worked hard and Plated hard.  Recovery was for quitters, and losers.  We were Professionals,  My brother imported vitamins from Australia that would cure hangovers.  Oxygen by the bed to clear the head. I had never drank socially, always for the Buzz.  I had narrowed it down to two, Ouzo, and Tequila.  I knew the word alcoholic but had no idea what the word meant.

I Know that I could not stop drinking.  Once I started, I could not stop.  I tried everything.  I was powerless when it came to controlling my drinking.  

I Know that as a result of my drinking, I devastated the lives of my family, and friends. Everyone that was in my life was effected directly or indirectly.

I Know that a time came that alcohol stopped working for me.  I could not get drunk enough to escape what my life had become. 

I Know that as a result I wanted to die.  That was the only logical solution. The only way out. Hopeless, demoralized beyond belief. 

It was after an attempted suicide that I learned some things that I never knew.

I was required to go to se a therapist, who along with other things suggested I stop drinking, and give my weapons to a trusted friend.  I knew that I didn’t have a friend left to give my guns to. So I took them apart, and hid the parts through out my house. That way it would take me awhile to put one together should it become necessary.  The second suggestion was to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had heard of AA but didn’t have a clue what it was. 

One of the men I worked with told me that he went to AA meetings and if I ever wanted to go he would be happy to take me.   I asked him about two weeks later.  The first meeting I went to was at 8:30 P.M. Thursday night April 1994.  That date, that night, that meeting, proved to be the most important event of my life.  I was done drinking convinced that it no longer worked for me.  I needed to learn how to live. And if not I would Die.