My first Meeting

There I was, at my first meeting.  Nervous, self conscious, I didn't know what to expect.  We sat down, and almost immediatly I felt something unusual.  I was not sure what it was, but I was positive that I had never felt it before.  I can’t explain it, there was something inside me that felt comfortable there.  Like an adopted bastard son, that never fit anywhere.  I knew I fit there.  The speaker talked about his life, what is was like drinking, what happened to him as a result, and what his life was like after he stopped drinking.  The events he discribed were different than mine, but the felings he expressed were the same.  I understood what he was talking about.  I knew I was home, not my actual home but the one I had always wanted.  A sanctuary, where I knew I was safe, at least for that hour.   

I remember being asked in one of my crises if there was anywhere I could go and be safe.  At the time, because of what I was doing for a living, I was armed wherever I went.   My favorite saying was “Just because I am Paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed”.  That was just the way it was. I was safe because I was always on guard; ready to react to any given situation. Constantly evaluating my surroundings, the people around me.  Planing my escape route should I need it.  I never let my guard down, convinced that the minute I did, I would be attacked.  The stress consumed me.  The question raised an Interesting point. Where could I go and be safe?  My answer was Nowhere!   I wondered what would that feel like?  To be safe?  Able to let my guard down and rest.  Knowing there was someone watching my back. Years later, even after leaving that job, the effects lingered.  Always on guard, knowing that one day, someone from my past could reach out and hurt me or my family.

As you have probibly concluded for yourself that if we are only as sick as our secrets, I was one sick Puppy.

There I was sitting in a room full of strangers, my reaction surprised me, I heard that my Alcoholism was happy with me drunk, but wanted me dead.  Was that the source of my fear?  That sense of impending doom, that followed me everywhere I went?  They read “How it Works” from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I heard It.  “We deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, and powerful!”   I knew what those words meant. I knew because I had lived them.  “Without help it is too much for us.  There is one who has all power - that one is God.  May you find him now.”  I heard the “God” word and I shut down.  God and I were not on speaking terms, and hadn’t been in a long time.  He had pissed me off years ago and I wanted nothing to do with Him.  

I knew there had to be a catch.  This place was full of religious fanatics!  Although one thing was for sure it wasn’t like any church I had ever gone to.  There was something here that was different.   I wasn’t sure  what it was, but I knew something was very different.   At the close of that meeting everyone stood in a circle, Prayed the Lord’s Prayer, and in unison spoke these words  “Keep coming back, It works if you work it”  I knew I would be back.  I had nowhere else to go!